Make it stop
Seven. I counted. That’s how many bruises (most of them sizable) it’s taken this summer to get blood. I’ve been to the hospital three times, the clinic twice, the specialist once, and am due to see two, possibly three more. In a endless pursuit of answers to a question I myself ask over, and over, “why?” To sum up the response I’ve received so far, the doctor who was most kind to me answered, “I don’t know. We’ve done all we can tonight, but you really need to follow up…” Brown circles under his eyes indicated his own fatigue. I wondered if he could see how long I’d been wearing mine. This night, it was another complex migraine, the third in a series of emergency hospital visits, and the most painful by far. The nurse asked me, teal scrubs crinkling, “How do you describe your pain?” And the main descriptor I managed was, “Make it stop.” Make it stop. Make it all stop. Make the parade of doctor’s offices, the front desks, the “May I see your insurance card?” the fumbling in my purse for my wallet, the shame when I remember the money I am using is my husband’s, not my own, the fluorescent lighting that makes me head ache more and I blink down as I wait for my name to be called. Make the nurses be kinder, the tissues be softer when I always cry (or how about I not cry, because I am a nervous crier?), make the doctors listen, make my questions shorter, more succinct, make the number of times I tell the nurses this arm not that one less, make the nurses listen, make the needles hurt less, make the sticks stop blowing, make the bruises stop forming, make the time it takes for my veins to cooperate shorter, make the appointments less complicated. Make the angry silences stop happening, the disappointment from hurting, the inevitable two a.m. ‘I don’t know what to do’ wake-up call, the strain on our relationship from too many late nights and early mornings (the early bird gets no worm when pain is involved). Make the tears go away when there’s apologies and stony acceptance and ‘what else can we do’s. Make it stop. Please. I just want answers.
