Spoonie in an Empty Bowl

I am a spoonie - that is, someone whose life is led by chronic autoimmune illness.  Spoon theory - not created by me, but popularized online - is the idea that I, and others who suffer from chronic and/or autoimmune illness, start with a set number of spoons in the morning - and have to ration them during the day, according to our levels of energy and our state of wellness/sickness. 

​

When I first heard the spoon theory, it was like a puzzle piece slid into place. I didn’t have to justify why, when my husband arrived home from work, he found me cuddled with our dogs, hardly able to lift my head to greet him. I didn’t have to justify why I grew tired after cleaning the apartment, and spent the next day almost entirely asleep. I didn’t have to justify why I cycled through the stiffness and swelling, and the pain that ached all through me.

 

Pain not like a fire, but like a steady frost, whispering: not today, you are not doing this today. I hear that whisper more often these days, now that the weather is warmer than ever. Unlike many who suffer from joint pain, my swelling comes with the heat of the sun. If I go to the pool, my time is spent in the water, reassured by its cool silk: each dive is a caress, a comfort to all the aching joints.

 

It has since been a comfort to find others online, who tell me I am not fighting the unknown alone. Because, you see, the thing about me that makes me furious and motivates me to begin this is that I have no diagnosis. No doctor so far has had a logical explanation for what I experience. The neurologist found my white cell count moving high and low sporadically. My rheumatologist found I tested for all types of disorder, reducing the chance of diagnosis to "let's wait and see". General physicians are confounded when I come in complaining of sweats, chills, and the inability to retain water as the weather changes.A

 

Thus - I am a spoonie in an empty bowl. I don't have answers to the thousands of questions my pain brings. My journey is not an easy one, but right now I wouldn't trade it for the world. I have the opportunity to reach out, share, and encourage others. 

Please feel free to look around, leave comments/feedback, and share your thoughts. While this is primarily a blog about my experiences, I also want it to be a community: a drawer, if you will, of us spoonies and spoonie allies ;)